Who Defined the "Ideal Woman"?

What is the essence of being a woman? Who is she? Some say beauty. Some say a nurturing spirit. Others speak of resilience, strength, sacrifice, dignity, or the remarkable ability to endure and countless other qualities besides. But is that it? 

In my time so far on this planet like all others there are a few things that left everlasting imprints in my memory. We are the product of our circumstances. Mine taught me that there comes a time when we must take a stand for ourselves. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ve had beautiful people who took me under their wings whenever I needed them. But life does not always arrive with helping hands.

During my time in bachelor’s there was an article that we read which mentioned that women have little, if any, lineage of history that teaches them to raise their voice against what they know to be wrong. How can they? When a woman speaks up, it is often her character, not her argument that is put on trial. She is labelled, dismissed, and called names. It is the easiest way to silence her. 

I can’t speak of others experiences. But I can and will definitely speak from mine. I was doing an internship in the hinterlands. There was a wealthy family in that village. One night someone banged our doors. We opened reluctantly. A man rushed in with a child in his arms. The child was terrified and crying. I was appalled, my body and brain shut down. When I gathered courage and enquired the man, his family who came behind him told us to speak slowly and there were police. I was shocked and questioned why? “She wants the child. She is mad. She’s unstable. My son did a favour marrying her. He shouldn’t have”, they said. I could sense their double standards in every word. And yet, it was the child who was crying, afraid and bore the heaviest weight, unnoticed by them all. I was a lil scared. Scared that I was privy to conversations that revealed their way of thinking. What remarkable timing, I thought to myself. He had apparently discovered her 'madness' only now. But I didn’t have the guts to speak aloud. This is just a snippet from that night which impacted me in ways more than I could imagine. 

I have wanted to write about it ever since, yet it took me nearly a decade to put even the gist of it into words. I wanted to do this because for most women subjected to violence suffering comes wrapped in shame. Endurance is praised. So, many don’t even voice out the pain and anger. After all, that is what a 'good woman' is expected to do. 

A woman who speaks up for herself is seldom tolerated. That’s what happened in the case of Twisha Sharma. Poor girl voiced the suffering out. What did the mother say? Be a little patient, all will be fine. I don’t even blame her. What better did we all know? In many ways, we have been failing one another.
If writing this allows me to breathe beneath the weight I have carried for so long, then I will write. If this could touch one person in pain and help them voice that out I shall continue doing that. 

I’m not perfect. I still carry some biases and contradictions resulting from my own experiences. The day I can look at my pain with complete objectivity, perhaps I can lend my voice to others. That’s the journey I want to have for myself. In the meantime, let's keep sharpening our voices together, reading, watching, and learning extensively. Endure the discomfort that comes with questioning old beliefs, not the pain society asks you to bear in silence.

After all this, I will not define the essence of a woman. Each one of you is enough exactly as you are. If you want to endure a little pain it’s your choice. I will not rub it on you saying what’s right and wrong. But please don’t encourage others to be the same and construct the definitions of an ideal woman. There is no such thing. If there is such a thing as an ideal woman, she is simply a free human being, free to breathe and speak, free to exist without the burden of proving her worth.